The questions come in the strangest moments, when I am least prepared to answer. Why are you _____? There’s a number of possibilities that fill in the blank. Single, travelling on your own, still teaching … There’s usually a facial expression on the ask-er’s face too that’s a mixture of bewilderment and pity. Sometimes the expression is harder to deal with than the question.
Surely God is good to Israel, to those who are pure in heart. But as for me, my feet had almost slipped; I had nearly lost my foothold. For I envied the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked. Psalm 73:1-3 (NIV)
No doubt about it! God is good – good to good people, good to the good-hearted. But I nearly missed it, missed seeing his goodness. I was looking the other way, looking up to the people at the top … Psalm 73:1-3 (MSG)
God is truly good to Israel, to those who have pure hearts. But I had almost stopped believing this truth. I had almost lost my faith because I was jealous of proud people. I saw wicked people doing well. Psalm 73:1-3 (ICB)
It’s frequently been those questions that have lead me down the rabbit trail of doubt. Frankly, in my life, that’s no rabbit trail. It’s been paved over with asphalt because I’ve walked it so often. Doubts about my marital status. Doubts about the wisdom of choices I have made. Doubts about whether I should do something or not. Doubts about risk taking. The doubt list is actually longer than I would like.
And then there’s the doubts about God that sneak in on the quietest of feet. Those doubts are more dangerous than anything else. They’re insipid, sneaking into the corners of my mind and heart and then burrowing in with porcupine hooks. Removing them is more difficult than I had anticipated.
Doubting my God’s goodness. That’s been something I’ve done wholeheartedly. There are prayers I’ve been praying my whole life that have still gone unanswered. Those are the prayers that have brought tears to my eyes. I’ve held them up to the Father’s throne and tagged “ifs” on them. God, if you do _____, then I will know you are good. God, if you do _____, then I will see you are faithful. God, if you do _____, then I will know you love and bless me. The “ifs” linger still and brought trouble with them. I bought into the lie that because God didn’t answer my prayers the way I wanted that He is not good, to me, anyway. I have believed that his faithfulness is only extended to some. I have questioned and doubted His love and blessing in my life. These are my porcupine quill doubts.
But God is gracious and God is good. He is not limited by my doubts. He is not constrained by my “ifs.” If I look back, truly looking at the experiences of my life, I see His goodness written all over it. His faithfulness is more than I can measure. His love and mercy have washed over me again and again. He has shown Himself to me in crashing waves and peaceful seas, quiet cathedrals and park benches. His presence, constant and true, has been the pliers that have removed the doubt quills from my heart.
God, too often I’ve almost missed your goodness. I choose to look to You, Jesus, because Your character does not change. I ask You to open my eyes to make me aware of where You are moving in my life. I pray for attentiveness to see what You are doing to recognize that Your goodness and faithfulness reaches me again and again. You are a good Father and I am so blessed to be Your child. Amen.